I came to QD on day 1155 of my quit. I came for the accountability. Over the last 100 days, I have learned that accountability + brotherhood means nothing without some sharp teeth and consequences. Prior to coming to QD, I had lost any fear of missing a day here or there. I’ve seen that missing a day once, and then occasionally, is a cancer that slowly (or quickly) grows and metastasizes and most quitters never completely come back from it. Once you make the leap that you don’t need accountability and brotherhood, you’ve made a choice to suck, and once you’ve made the choice to suck, that old addict mindset grabs a foothold and doesn’t let go. The addict might talk of reigniting their quit fire, but you can tell the passion never returns and it’s just a matter of time before they drift off. When they drift off, most are never heard from again, but the statistics say most will eventually use nicotine again. My goal is to never put myself in that situation.
Prior to my arrival at QD, one question I started pondering was: “One day you will have served enough time and contributed enough and you can retire from this bullshit and nobody has the right to say shit. When will that be?” I’ve always known that not being accountable to other quitters would be a bad idea but one look around the site showed me my future -- some sort of long term, mind-numbing, non-engaging purgatory. Fuck that shit. QD was the antithesis of that non-accountability bullfuckingshit and I knew QD was my home for life. I am free of that stupid question of when I should leave and that has solidified my quit a thousand-fold. I am at peace for the first time.
I owe my life to quitting. I am passionate about it. The best way to keep that passion is to surround myself with quitters who share that passion. I firmly believe in the equation of Accountability + Brotherhood = Quit. You can work it a few different ways too, such as Accountability X Brotherhood = Quit (whereby 0 cannot be multiplied by itself therefore any 0 zeroes the whole equation out). Accountability and Brotherhood always go hand-in-hand and are never mutually exclusive. Another way to work it is like this: Accountability ⇆ Brotherhood = Quit. It’s a two way street or it is nothing. Or…Accountability + Brotherhood = Quit, where Quit = Life.
Being committed and accountable to QD and my QD brothers is a mirror reflection to me being committed and accountable to a better version of myself. Who wouldn’t want to strive for that? Only a dipshit wouldn’t. When I was a nicotine user, I was an absolute piece of shit. I was not accountable. I was a liar and a thief. I had no idea how to be a better person because I didn’t really know what honor and integrity were all about. To top it off, I thought I was special. Somehow I lived in such a state of wretchedness for over 30 years. I didn’t fully mature. I didn’t learn how to deal with problems head on.
In 2010, I stopped dipping for a while because of persistent insistence from most everyone I knew. I was miserable, resentful, and couldn’t hack it so I went back to dipping with a vengeance. I told everyone to fuck off and to never talk to me about quitting again. I threw away all hope and isolated myself and went into a serious depression until 2017 when it was time to either quit or jump off a bridge. I decided I didn’t want to jump off a bridge yet. I went back to the quitting site, QuitSmokeless (QS), where I was at in 2010. I fought tooth and nail as if my life depended on it. The QS site eventually fizzled out, so I went to Kavemart because it was big and wouldn’t be totally fizzling out anytime soon. Even though I pummeled cavers and non-accountable newbs, I felt pretty shitty for a long time and I commiserated with those who had hundreds of days under their belt and were just as miserable as I was. What I didn’t realize for a long time was that I thought I was special. I’m not. Learning I’m not special has been a life-saver. Not being special means I alone am responsible for whatever predicament I am in and only I am responsible for getting myself out.
If you thought that after 1155 days there’s not much else you can do with your quit, you’d be surprised. After being at QD for 100 days I have been transformed from a white-knuckle, blunt-force-trauma-quitter to a Zen quitter. Being a Zen quitter means I am fucking quit and there is no force in the world that will budge me from that state of being. There are no triggers that I have to watch out for, no boogeyman I need to be vigilant of, no nic bitch under the bed waiting to pounce. It is just me and my choice and my choice is a rock solid part of me. I have developed what I call a quit consciousness. Quit is not something I remember to do. It’s now part of my operating system. It’s who I am. Quit runs through my blood.
In the 100 days I’ve been at QD, I’ve launched into a new dimension of my life. I’ve gone from being quit focused, at the expense of other things, to digging into life with courage, honor, and integrity...misfortunes and all. I’m no longer the coward I was. I still have much room for needed growth. Over 30 years of running away from things with a dip in my mouth and not dealing with things like an adult leaves a bit of a mess to clean up. Every day that I am quit, I’m further away from that piece of shit I used to be and that in itself is the main benefit of quitting, besides a million other great reasons. I have an infinite number of things to do besides use nicotine. Fuck nicotine and fuck being a piece of shit. Thank you all for helping me not be a despicable piece of shit again. I am a man of honor and integrity now and I will keep it that way. Meanwhile, keep your teeth sharp because that’s what makes this place have the real goods.
Zeus - 1154 Days of Freedom
