Mholmberg

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Mholmberg 102 merry Christmas!

Mholmberg 102 merry Christmas!

Mholmberg 101

Mholmberg 101

I titled my into “Hi I’m the FNG”, and I believe it’s time I rearrange the letters a little bit. I’ve gone from being the Fuckin’ New Guy to being a New Fuckin’ Guy. 101 days ago I had a small amount of dip left in a can I had not so cleverly hidden in my home office area. I had planned on finishing that off and then I was going to QUIT! YEAH! But how many times had I told myself that? At least once every other can for probably 5 years. I wasn’t even fooling myself there. As luck would have it, my wife found my can that night. I was taking a shower and when I got out the wife was gone to pick up the kids from school/day care so I went down to my desk to grab a dip and there was a note in my hiding place where my can should have been. My wife’s handwriting saying “Thanks for showing me what kind of man you truly are.” Stab. Basically left with no other options it was time to quit. Again. In the Spring of 2020 I stumbled onto QD looking for resources to help me quit. I created an account and read a little bit here and there for a few days but never sacked up enough to actually post scroll, because that would have meant that someone might actually hold me accountable, and that would mean I didn’t have an easy out. So I went along and managed a half-assed 6 month stop. Fast forward to 101 days ago, and there I was. I NEEDED to quit this time and stay that way. My wife asked me what I’m going to do different this time, how is this round going to be permanent when all my other attempts have been so short lived? I didn’t have a good answer, but I told her last time I tried I came across this website where you post a daily promise to a group of strangers that I won’t use nicotine today. And you keep posting that promise day after day and if you don’t you get a mountain of shit heaped on your head. It sounds stupid, but hell it’s worth a try, right? I posted scroll the following morning, DAY 1! I started that first day for good reasons, but not necessarily the right reason. Obviously keeping my marriage and not ending up in divorce court trying to claw every second of custody over my kids that I can get is a GREAT reason to be quit. Wanting to live to see my kids grow up and someday start families of their own and not die of cancer first is a GREAT reason to quit. Not wasting thousands of dollars on dip is a GREAT reason to quit. But I truly was quitting for THEM and not for ME, and I didn’t realize it at the time. It was the initial shove that I needed though. After the withdrawal symptoms started to wane and I began the process truly healing from the addiction, and dealing with the occasional “craving” and irritability and all that other stuff that goes along with a bouncing baby quit, I realized something that was a new experience. I was at complete peace with my quit. I had never been that way before, it was always a white knuckle roller coaster ride with a walk of shame to buy a can waiting for me at the end. All my other stops were clouded by this feeling that I’m missing something that I want, there was something taken from me and I want it back. Not this time, I didn’t “give up” dip, I got rid of it. I started to see the occasional “craving” as an opportunity to give the old lying addict version of me the finger and say “not this time, asshole!”. About 30 or so days in I started to truly realize the value of QD. This place was instrumental in helping me through those early days of quit. Instead of sending my brain down the rabbit hole of focusing on getting through my next “craving”, and can I sneak away a few bucks to go buy a can, one won’t hurt right? Whenever my brain was free to wander instead of those thoughts it was about how to respond to posts in QD. It occupied my mind and kept me from going back into old habits. I thought about responses to topics in the Clubhouse or Front Porch, or in my Intro, or someone else’s intro. The brotherhood of QD started to become apparent. Come for the Accountability, Stay for the Brotherhood. Now here I am, 100 days in and writing my Centurion Speech. This place has taught me the true recipe for Quit, that combination of accountability and the brotherhood of people who have done the same stupid shit that I did, have gone through the same quit process as I did, and came out the other side as stronger and better people. I think I’ve read at least 100 times on this site that 100 days isn’t the end of the quit journey, its just the beginning. I’ll jump on that cliché bandwagon because it is. 100 days is a milestone to be proud of for sure, but 1,000 sounds a hell of a lot better. And 10,000 sounds better still. And I know I can and will do it, because I am quit for me, I am quit for good, and I’m a New Fuckin’ Guy. Thank you QD for showing me the way and I’m looking forward to staying on this trail with my fellow Quitters. - Mholmberg